Entry 1: When Aryn confesses her plan to all

I've started a new chapter in my life and decided to be open and transparent about it because 1). I think people are naturally curious and might wonder what's going on with me and 2).  It's always nice to journal a long journey so you can see progress and wisdom gained along the way.  I blogged throughout my spinal fusion surgery and recovery several years ago, and it helped me recover, so I'm hoping this will be a good thing as well.

I decided a few months ago to pursue gastric sleeve surgery as a tool to reduce my weight and help my chronic pain.

Those of you who know me, know that after I had Aubri I got into pretty good shape.  The summer after her first birthday, I herniated a disc and found out that I had degenerative disc disease.  That finding was not all that remarkable, except that I was only 30 years old and the progression of the damage to my spine was quite significant.  One of my surgeons looked at my MRI without looking at my other stats, came to greet me and said, "Whoah!  Your spine is MUCH older than you, I thought I was going to meet and 80 year-old!!"  Ummm.....thanks?

Several years and  four back surgeries, including a fusion from L4-S1 and a spine stimulator implant have left me with lingering nerve damage, more degeneration up my spine, and ruptured discs in my neck.  I'm in quite a bit of pain.  All. the. time.  My spine stimulator has certainly changed my life, but unfortunately the damage in the parts of my spine it doesn't "hit" is still too overwhelming.

Which is why I've gotten myself into an awful pain cycle of pain...so I'm sedentary...which causes more pain...which makes me want to be sedentary and the pounds packed and packed on.

After seeing the long-term success of a couple of friends who have had gastric sleeve, I decided to research it for myself.  It turns out, my orthopedic problems make me a very good candidate for this surgery.  There is a good chance that the surgery can interrupt the pain-sedentary cycle that I've been trapped in.

I'm in the middle of the process now to get my surgery scheduled.  It's a long process (as it should be, but I'm still impatient).  I've met with the surgeon, attended the information meetings and went to necessary nutrition appointments.  I will have a cardiac work-up next week, two psych appointments this month, and will also start monthly support group meetings.  After those criteria are met, the surgery team will go over my file, make a final decision of if/when I can have the surgery, and then I go in for an appointment to have the surgery date set.  I'm guessing it will be done in September when I am on Fall Break for the school I teach at...though I would be over the moon if it could happen during summer break.

What IS gastric sleeve surgery??  It is a laproscopic abdominal surgery where a large part of the stomach (the round, expandable part) is completely removed and your stomach is left looking like a "sleeve".  You then have a very tiny stomach and all of your food HAS to become nutrient dense in order to fuel your body.  Food becomes fuel and not pleasure or an emotional response.  Part of the surgery fee is access to life-long nutritionists and support groups because the surgery isn't temporary, it is permanent and it is a life-long ordeal.  It's not an answer to obesity, but it is a tool to gaining and maintaining a healthy lifestyle that is proven effective for most patients who get it. 

Michael asked me a good question earlier in this process...he asked, "Won't you feel trapped that you can't eat whatever you want?".  That's a good, realistic question.  My response?  I'm already trapped.  I'm trapped in pain, I'm trapped in a body that has no energy.  I'm trapped in my inability to be fully my best self.  Being trapped in not getting to eat everything I want is not as big as a problem as being trapped in my current body.

Will there be haters and naysayers?  Of course.  That's what has kept me from getting the surgery earlier actually.  But then, after turning 40, I realized this surgery is for myself and my family...not for the people who don't really know me or my whole story.

Do I worry that people will "talk" when I started losing weight rapidly?  Sure.  I'm a sensitive person.  When I lost weight after I had Aubri someone asked me if I was sick.  I felt so awful inside.  My BMI was just barely in the "normal" range, I definitely did not look sick.

Haters always have something/someone to talk about negatively anyway.  So if it isn't my weight, it'll be the way I parent, or how I run my classroom, or that I'm too idealistic in my approach to life and career.  So, in the words of T. Swift, I'm gonna shake it off and be my best self anyway.

I also know I will find the encouragers, cheerleaders, supporters, and people who will inspire me to keep at it.  I'll need to put my energy into those people rather than put my energy into defending my choice.

So here it begins...my weight loss journey and gastric sleeve story.  I'm excited to see what will happen in the next 18 months.  How will I be challenged/  How will I grow?  How will I feel?  It's both exciting and nerve-racking.